A Journal Entry
by Brownfur
Summary: Dave writes about his (not so) amazing days. Sadstuck, Humanstuck. Never played sburb. TW: self harm mentioned, suicide mentioned
1. First Entry

How was my day?  
Kind of upsetting for the most part, though I'm going to pretend to see it from a better point of view. Nah, can't do that.

I woke up a few minutes before I had to catch my school bus, and I barely had enough time to get a some clean clothes on and rinse the dried blood from my wrists before I was out the door. It was a frosty morning. (Gog, I hate how we had to move, it's so fucking cold here all the time.) I ran to my bus-stop, and remembered why I had been so upset the night before. I was alone. I fucked up my friendships and hurt people. I pushed people away so I wouldn't have to go through the pain over and over again. How could I spend two hours crying and cutting, just because of that? I am honestly starting to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. School was pretty crappy, as usual. I sat though my classes with jacket sleeves pulled down past my hands. Barely able to keep focus on what the teachers were saying, I contemplated suicide. I think that idea grew back in my brain from a dream I had the other night.

I was in my room, curled up in my too large bed, as usual. I heard glass shattering, and moments later a human barged into my room. With a gun pointed to my head, I froze. Then begged for him to pull the bloody trigger already. His finger tightened around it, then loosened. He set the gun on the corner of my bed, and simply walked away.

I can't stop thinking about that dream, well, mostly that gun. The thought of suicide and death brings me peace. Suffering would end. I suppose I should change the subject, even though fantasizing about suicide is a nice thought, it can get boring.

Once classes had (finally!) ended for the day, I was getting all of my things into my school bag, when a girl walks up to me and tells me to try to stop hurting myself. I told her the same. We wished each other a good evening, then left in our own directions.

I guess right when i got home, I decided to slice into my flesh once again, this time it will leave a few baby scars, on my wrist. I find that more than slightly scary, my scars would be in such and obvious place, I will have to wear bracelets all the time now.

Great, now I'm crying again. Well, I suppose i should stop writing and get some shut-eye.


	2. Second Entry

Today wasn't as bad as last time I wrote, I managed to get through all my classes just fine. Some kid who is always being a douche bag to the friendly girl (I think her name is Jade) was being too much of a douchebag today, so I hit him with my clarinet case (I fucking hate clarinets anyway). The kid fell down and started to bawl, it was quite funny to be honest. To see such an awful person rolling on the floor with tears streaming down his childish face is truly a treat. My classes passed uneventfully after that.

I walked home today, mostly because I wanted to see some of my other friends, who are younger and aren't in high school yet (or even close). I was hanging out with Rose and John. I am quite good friends with Rose, though she seems kind of strange. I don't know John too well yet, though I know that he's one of Rose's dearest friends.

I must say something, Rose and John are about eleven years old. I know this probably sounds pretty weird for me to be friend with them, but whatever, I don't care what you think.

After a little while, Rose had to leave for her violin class, so it was just me and John. John is truly one of the nicest people I have met, with crooked buck-teeth and messy hair and a smile that could make your heart melt. Okay, that sounded more than slightly weird, I'm not a pedophile, he's just a really good and cool kid.

I have noticed that he doesn't smile too often though, and he actually seems quite unhappy most of the time. I noticed this, and often told him to smile, or make him smile by doing something ironic. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to end up like me.

Soon he had to leave too, and as he waved goodbye, i noticed a little cut on his wrist. I felt my heart drop. I wanted to say something, but before I could articulate any words, he was gone.

I should probably stop writing now, these smuppets aren't comfortable to lie down on, and I think I'm going to pass out soon.


	3. Third Entry

I don't remember if I wrote yesterday, oh well, I will just write what happened today.

...

Fuck it, I'm too lazy to write every day, I'll just write whenever I feel like it.


	4. Fourth Entry

**AN: Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, I've been kind of busy... **

**Well, I hope you guys enjoy this entry! And don't forget to review, it makes the Dave have a better chance at enduring through the shit that's going on with him! (Seriously though, I'm not even kidding.)**

* * *

It's been awhile since I've last written, and I apologize. Life has decided to go bipolar on me: One day is the shittiest piece of shit that ever dared to exist, the next day is all happy and stuff. I know that's not really the best excuse to not be writing, but whatever, I do what I want. I had an awful day, right after I last wrote, I cut myself again on my arm, this time it was deeper than anything I have ever done to my arm. I wont be able to wear short-sleeved shirts anymore. To be frank, I am terrified Bro is going to find out, again. Last time he saw cuts on me, he flipped shit and stuff. Screamed at me, I wasn't allowed to go in my room anymore, and those were only baby cuts. I am honestly cringing at the thought of his reaction if he saw these cuts.

Also, John did confirm that he has been harming himself, and he even does it on the bus and during class; it fucking breaks me to see or even know this. I think that is what triggered my deeper cuts, to see a little boy, so terribly lost and confused, and not being able to save him. I held him in my arms for hours, I literally clung onto him like a leech, though I wasn't leeching anything from him, I was doing quite the opposite, I was trying to give him all the love he craved, all the love he needed.

Halloween happened quite recently, yes? Well, Bro decided it would be a good idea to go back to texas for a visit. I got to see my best friend, and I got to meet quite a few new people, and they all seem very cool. I went trick or treating with my friend, and yea, that was cool. I met this guy named Kyle though, I must say he was extremely handsome (no homo), and I got to know him a bit, though it's a shame, I won't be able to see him again until next year, when we will be moving back here. I also happened to get really flirty with a girl when we were raiding the houses for sweets.

A few days later, I caught up with another friend, and he was celebrating his birthday and all, so he decided to have a slumber party, and I was invited, and I don't know what happened, but somehow sloppy make out sessions happened... I really don't know how or why I was so attracted to the boy's slender hips, his lean legs... Perhaps I shouldn't continue to go into detail, I'll just say I ended up falling asleep in his warm arms, and I woke up feeling safe and happy for once. I don't know what has gotten into me, I know I'm not gay, I am definitely attracted to females, but I suppose I could be like...bisexual or pansexual? I really don't know.

Hm, speaking of sexual orientation, and how I'm definitely attracted to females, there is this girl I've really liked for a while now, Terezi is her name. I love her so much, but she is one of my closest friends, and I wouldn't dare risk our friendship, even though it's already almost unsalvageable. She was what made my self harm and depression get worse. A few years ago, the first time I cut deepish, she demanded to check my legs and wrists, then took a glance at the ugly slices in my leg and said 'It's not that bad.' I wanted to rip her head off for that, she knew that would only make me want to saw deeper into my flesh, but thankfully I didn't. The same happened the other day when she saw the big cut on my forearm. Apparently I am the reason she nearly commit suicide on multiple occasions. Because I self harm, or because I 'stopped' self harming, and that made her useless in her eyes. In her eyes, she is flawed and I am perfection. She really needs to get her eyes checked. She lives for the 'perfect' boy, and I live for the perfectly flawed girl.

Gog, I should really stop writing in this fucking 'journal' (c'mon guys, it's obviously a diary), maybe this is what making me get hard-ons for guys (no homophobia).


End file.
